Your Attachment Strategy in Love

June 06, 2025•5 min read

What Is Your Attachment Strategy in Love?

By Nicola Foster, Relationship Therapist & Coach

Do you count kisses at the end of texts?

Do you long for closeness but feel smothered once it arrives?

Do you reach out to your partner after a disagreement—only to feel frustrated that you did?

Many people refer to these patterns as attachment styles. I prefer to call them strategies. Why? Because a style sounds like something fixed or aesthetic—like a personality type or a haircut. But a strategy is something we learned in response to our environment. It was adaptive. It was intelligent. And most importantly, in my view it isn't fixed and it is complex. We use different strategies in different contexts and with different people, and we change.

Our attachment strategy is the way our nervous system learned to manage closeness, distance, and emotional risk. It’s not who we are—it’s how we learned to stay safe.

If you’ve ever counted kisses at the end of a message, needed more closeness than your partner could give, or pulled away when things got too intense, your attachment strategy is probably active. The good news is, once we see these patterns, we can start to understand them and if we think it's helpful we can start to shift them.

Attachment Theory: A Quick Overview

Attachment theory began with the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. It’s about how we adapt in order to stay connected. As infants, we depend on our caregivers not just for food, but for safety, soothing, and connection. The way our caregivers respond to us—especially in moments of distress—shapes our internal map of what relationships feel like.

These strategies aren’t conscious. They’re shaped early, often before we have language. And they carry through into adult relationships—especially the intimate ones.

Rather than thinking of these as “styles,” I prefer to think of them as strategies. They were the best available response to the environment at the time. But they’re not always the best response now.

The Four Main Attachment Strategies

Secure

People with a secure strategy tend to feel comfortable with intimacy. They trust easily, can express needs without fear, and are able to offer support without losing themselves. This doesn’t mean they don’t struggle—just that they have more capacity to stay regulated and connected.

Roughly half the population fall into this group. They often stay in long-term relationships and don’t tend to end up in therapy or on dating apps as frequently—simply because things are working well enough.

Anxious (Preoccupied)

This strategy is marked by a strong need for reassurance. There’s often a fear of abandonment, and a tendency to over-focus on the other. If you’re someone who watches your partner’s tone of voice or counts kisses in a message, you may recognise yourself here.

These patterns usually emerge when a child experiences inconsistent caregiving—when love and attention are unpredictable. In adulthood, that translates into heightened sensitivity to perceived threat or distance.

Healing anxious strategies involves building internal safety and learning to self-regulate, especially when closeness feels uncertain.

Avoidant (Dismissive)

Avoidant strategies develop when closeness feels unsafe. Often, the child was left to manage their needs alone, or emotions weren’t met with attunement. So, as adults, these individuals learn to turn away rather than toward in relationship.

They may value independence, need a lot of space, and feel overwhelmed by emotional intensity. What looks like coldness is usually a deeply ingrained strategy to avoid the pain of unmet needs.

Avoidant clients often tell me they want intimacy—they just don’t know how to stay with it once it arrives.

Disorganized (Fearful)

This is the most complex strategy. Disorganized attachment is often the result of trauma or unpredictable caregiving. A parent may have been both the source of safety and fear. As adults, these individuals can swing between anxious and avoidant behaviours. It’s confusing—for them and for their partners.

I see this pattern more often than the research suggests—perhaps because the people who seek out therapy are those already trying to do the work. The focus here is always on safety. On co-regulation. On restoring trust in the body and in relationship.

Attachment in Daily Life

I first came across attachment theory in Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It helped me understand my own relational dynamics with far more clarity. I could see where I’d been seeking reassurance, or backing away. It helped me soften self-judgment and begin to make different choices.

In my therapy room, I see this play out daily. So often, couples aren’t “broken”—they’re simply running different attachment strategies. Once that becomes visible, things begin to shift. What once looked like rejection starts to look like fear. What looked like neediness becomes a bid for closeness.

We Adapted to Stay Safe

Our strategies were formed for good reason. They helped us stay emotionally connected—or at least survive the loss of connection. That’s important to acknowledge.

But they’re not set in stone.

In Back to Bed, I speak about attachment injuries—moments where trust is broken and emotional bonds fray. Repair is possible. But it asks for awareness, care, and sometimes therapeutic support.

You are not “too much.”

You are not “not enough.”

You adapted.

And now you can evolve.

What’s Your Strategy?

You may already have a sense of which strategy feels most familiar. If you’d like to explore further, try this free tool:

👉 yourpersonality.net/attachment

It lets you see how your strategy may vary in different relationships and track changes over time.

Relationship Is Where We Heal

It’s easy to fall into judgment—of yourself or others. Maybe you feel frustrated with your partner’s distance. Maybe you’re tired of your own reactivity. But the truth is, all of this is human.

We relate the way we learned to relate. And we can learn something new.

As Stan Tatkin writes, “We are hurt in relationship, and we heal in relationship.” It’s not always quick or easy—but with the right support and willingness, it’s absolutely possible.